What does it mean to be a grown-up?

Does it mean you have a job, pay your bills, get excited about things like a new vacuum or office supplies? Does it mean your laundry is folded AND put away or you have your Google Calendar planned down to the minute?

These are for sure signs of being an adult, but I think being a grown-up is more nuanced than that. Being a grown-up is fluid. It isn’t something you either are or aren’t but rather it has to do with how you show up to a given situation.

There are times I have walked into a conflict with someone so filled with self-righteous anger knowing I shouldn’t say anything but couldn’t (or wouldn’t) stop myself. Other times I’ve been on the phone with a friend in crisis and somehow I said that “just right thing” to help her through.

After eating more than a few servings of humble pie here are a few questions I ask myself to gauge my level of grown-up-ness.

Can I…

Say sorry?
Make amends?
Listen when others talk?
Accept things as they are?
Be happy for others?
Take a compliment?

Ultimately, being a  grown-up is a process and it takes practice. Here are a few books that have helped me get there (sometimes).

»1. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

by Brene Brown

Why it’s just right: Worthy now! Not after you get the promotion, or lose 10 lbs, or stick to the perfect morning routine, but worthy right now. The author describes what she calls guideposts to Whole Hearted Living. They include things like authenticity, intuition, and play and they all circle back to worthiness. She gently leads you to understand that you are worthy of love and belonging and that setting healthy boundaries is kind.

If you struggle with perfectionism or the need to look outside yourself for validation this book can help. Side note, if you are a note-taker-highlighter kind of person grab your tools. My first copy was totally marked up.

»2. The Year of Yes

by Shonda Rhimes

Why it’s just right: The goddess that is Shonda Rhimes is really all I should need to say, but here is my two cents anyway. I believe this book should be required reading for all adult women! Her “Want to Play” chapter has changed the way I look at parenting, friendship, and even sex. If someone you love asks you to play, say “Yes!” All you need is 20 minutes and you will feel better, more connected, more in love every time!

Plus it’s filled with so many juicy bits about my favorite shows. “If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap a demand more.” Christina Yang, Gray’s Anatomy. Not sold yet? Watch her TED Talk Side note, this one is really great on audio. It’s like listening to Olivia Pope, Christina Yang, and Meridith Gray all have a conversation about how God made them.

 »3. Love Warrior

by Glennon Doyle-Melton

Why it’s just right:  Oh how this book speaks to me! The descriptions of the parties and the booze and the men… Her need to disappear, to go inside, to be what the world expects of her, small, pretty, quiet. It is all too familiar.

If I had found this book in my twenties it would have given me permission to drop my armor and rip off my mask, but since I found it in my thirties, nearly ten years sober, her words forgave and healed that lost girl. I wasn’t the only one who felt big and ugly and needed to drink to hide. I wasn’t the only one who did bad things and nearly destroyed her life. I wasn’t the only one to create a beautiful life from the ashes.

If there is still a scared lonely girl taking up space in your brain, read this book and give her a hug. Or if you are raising a girl and this shit scares the crap out of you read this book. Also, Doyle is a skilled speaker so this is another really good one for Audio.

» 4. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

by Miguel Ruiz

Why it’s just right: My sponsor gave this to me when we first started working together. I had been sober for a few years and life was happening for me. I got married and had a baby. I was doing pretty well, but the rose-colored glasses were starting to fade and for the first time in sobriety I had to work at it.

At first, this book and its simplicity kind of pissed me off. I wanted lengthy step-by-step instructions and boxes to check. I wanted to “Ya, but…” all over this, especially #2 and #3, but if I wanted emotional sobriety I had to keep it simple.

» 5. Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

by Elizabeth Gilbert

Why it’s just right: This book completely redefined creativity for me. As kids, we create all day long without the need to justify the time or have an end result in mind. It’s more than a compulsion, it’s a need.  As we age we lose, or rather, we ignore that need. This book forced me to see creative living as self-care, and that creativity is something I can practice anytime. I learned to be less precious about my creativity and that sometimes creating something awful is the best way to create something wonderful.

I have read this one twice and listened to it on audio. You can’t go wrong.

What’s Next

Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist. I wrote this post a few weeks back about quitting Facebook to live life intentionally so I thought this might be fitting for the times. I’ll let you know how it goes.