Like a lot of you, I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.
I LOVE that I can stay connected with friends and family, especially those that live far away and rarely get to see in person. I’m addicted to heartwarming stories and videos of military homecomings and first responder lip sync challenges. I cheer and cry nearly every time I see mothers bravely sharing their struggles with judgment, and comparison, and mental health. Locally, our community has been hit with numerous natural disasters and I have depended on Facebook for fast, up to date information.
but somewhere along the line, things got sideways.
My relationship with social media and Facebook, in particular, became a mindless habit. I found myself checking my newsfeed at the most ridiculous times. I’d pull my phone out while waiting in line at the coffee shop, parked at a red light, and even walking from the bathroom to the kitchen.
I’d make a post and then minutes later check to see how many likes it got. I think part of this need for likes and comments stems from my time as a Beachbody coach. I think running a business online can sometimes warp your sense of self-worth in unhealthy ways, but this is another topic for another time.
My social media habit also started to affect my mental health. It began around the 2016 election and finally hit a wall last week with the Kavanaugh hearings. It all became too much. The Travel Ban, Parkland, Charlottesville, Las Vegas, Kaepernick, #MeToo, #BlackLivesMatter, Child Separation, The Muller investigation, and on and on and on.
Each time there was something in the news, and there ALWAYS seems to be something in the news, I found myself desperately searching for content… of any kind. I would click on articles because the headline made me angry, or scared, or hurt, or just because it confirmed what I already believed. I shared these things in the hopes that I wasn’t alone in how scared I felt. I thought, “This person thinks what I think so that makes me right… right?”
My anxiety was through the roof and I was finding it difficult to be present. I needed to put social media on pause.
This is what happened…
For the first few days, I found myself kind of restless. I was so used to checking notifications and mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook and Instagram feeds that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I kinda felt like an actor learning what to do with their hands while standing on stage.
Replace a habit with a habit
Once I realized most of my time on social media was out of mindless habit than actual fulfillment I got to work setting up some ways I could replace my unhealthy habit with healthy and intentional habits.
First, I rearranged the apps on my phone. I now have apps like Headspace, Evernote, Podcasts, and Audible where Facebook and Instagram once were. If I do decide to eventually re-install social media I’ll put these apps in a less-accessible place on my phone.
Then, to fill those little pockets of time I found some great new podcasts and blogs to follow. One of them told me to check out #Last90Days Challenge. and I’m excited to start! I also downloaded a few audiobooks. For my book club, I’m reading Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult, and I also am Listening to Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, by Sharon Salzburg.
Lastly, I went old school and actually picked up the phone to call a friend. Some of them I even met up with in real life! Crazy right??
What I don’t miss about Facebook
Time lost
I don’t know how many times I’ve been scrolling along or reading some article and thought to myself, “This is a waste of my time. Why am I doing this?” It makes me sad to think about the times I’ve had my phone open at the dinner table. Or nights I’ve wasted an hour scrolling when I could have been sleeping.
Now, I fill those little pockets of time doing what I love. For me, this meant writing… A LOT! I left my writing apps open on my computer and anytime I had a free second I would sneak over to the computer to pound out a few words, I even made journal notes and gratitude lists while nursing the baby.
The comment section
Just the mention of it gets my blood boiling. I posted this about a year ago. I wish I had followed my own advice.
The negative effect on my personal relationships
I once saw a post from someone about the Stoneman Douglas Highschool shooting in Parkland, FL. It was a video of a girl shouting about how bullies were to blame for the shooting and if people were just nicer to the gunman he wouldn’t have killed those children.
I was heartbroken for the parents and took it personally. I didn’t like that a stupid video, that might not even be real, could change the way I feel about a person I love and respect. You could say I’m just seeing their “true colors” or a side of them I don’t like, but I’m not sure that’s fair. I don’t know what was going through their head at the time they hit the share button, but I can guarantee they weren’t trying to hurt me specifically. If there is one thing I’ve learned in 10 years of sobriety is that nobody thinks about me as much as I think they think about me.
Social media makes us socially lazy. We share things not because we want to have a conversation, but because we want confirmation for what we already believe. It is an echo chamber where everyone has a huge megaphone. Conversations about politics, race, and gender dynamics are difficult, and it takes practice to have them respectfully, but I think we can do better. I think we have to do better.
Comparison
Without social media, I can stay in my lane. I don’t have to worry about keeping up with the Jones’s because I literally have no idea what the Jones’ are even doing.
Instagram is not Facebook, but it can lead to the same kind of problems. I don’t miss the comparison, but I do miss the inspiration.
What I’ve missed about Facebook
Yes, it made both lists. Instagram is my journal. I love to chronicle my adventures through pictures, like a little snapshot in time. Also, I follow people like Elizabeth Gilbert, James Van Der Beek, The Happy Pear, and even the Pope. They all inspire me to be creative, take action, practice self-care, and self-love.
Announcing: I feel rain!
Yes, in Southern California this is a thing. I also miss posting things like “The wheels are falling off at Casa Henderson!” or “It’s 4 am and I’m awake.” I love throwing out this one-liner kind of posts. The responses say to me, “You’re not alone” and “You matter.”
private groups
⇒ PEP: Parenting is really freaking hard and isolating and I lean on the amazing moms in my PEP groups for advice, commiseration, and some really hilarious memes.
⇒ Postpartum Mental Health: These groups have really helped me during some of my most desperate moments.
⇒ Blogging Groups: A great place for fast answers to all my silly questions. And for inspiration and ideas when I’m feeling stuck.
⇒ Fitness Groups: I used to be a part of no less than 500,000 fitness and nutrition groups. A few weeks ago I ditched all but two. Yesterday, I was feeling particularly boss after my workout and I wanted to share it.
Learning from others, not like me
Santa Barbara is a pretty homogeneous community, that’s nice talk for, Santa Barbara doesn’t have a lot of black people. Through my work with Postpartum Progress and Postpartum Support International, I became internet friends with some really cool black Americans. Their posts are funny, engaging, challenge my assumptions and often slap me in the face with my own privilege. If you want to support one of them check out this, GoFundMe page for Angelina Spicer. She is gathering funds to create a film about her experience with postpartum depression and she is also super funny!
Gifs
Need I say more?
Sharing Conversations I have with my kids
Owen: I’m a ninja!
Me: No you’re not
Owen: Did you see that?
Me: See what?
Owen: Exactly! … Did you get it? Did you get it? Because ninjas are sneaky.
Me: I love you buddy.
Sharing pictures like this
I don’t know if I’ll ever re-install social media on my phone, but I do know I’m not walking away from it altogether. Just like with sugar, caffeine, alcohol, or spending money we can’t consume recklessly without consequences. We have to set boundaries for the health of our bodies and our minds.
Have you ever felt the need to put social media on pause? Did you try it? How did it go?
