Emily is a writer and runner living in Santa Barbara CA. Her essays have appeared in HuffPost, Scary Mommy, and The Santa Barbara Independent. She is currently writing a memoir about processing the loss of her son while running every street in her city.
This morning I opened up Facebook and the first this I was was this post from a friend.
Today has been one of my most wonderful days as a mommy. The last week has actually. One & Three are such fun ages, the adventures, crafts, games, snuggles, movies, all made that much more exciting with the upcoming holiday; it’s exactly like I imagined being a mom would be. And these two together, they are each other’s best friends and I adore them ššš
What’s special about this is that a year ago this woman was crying over motherhood in a way that only another second-time mom can understand.
Let me explain.
I volunteer for an amazing organization PEP, Postpartum Education for Parents. We have a ton of services, but our most successful by far is our New Parent Discussion Groups.
Every 8 weeks we have between 40-60 new wide-eyed and shell-shocked mamas walk through our doors to share the highs and lows of parenting their newborn and to build community and get support. I have had the privilege of facilitating several of these groups and honestly, it is something I could do every day for the rest of my life.
Last year, one of the mamas in my group was really struggling after the birth of her second child. She cried to me and the group saying how guilty she felt because she was not bonding with her daughter in the same instant love way that she did with her son. She said she missed her son and feared that their relationship would never be the same. Not to mention that her son was only 2 years old at the time and acting out in ways that all two-year-olds do. She blamed herself and felt like she was failing both of them.
This feeling of guilt and failure is all too familiar to me. My son and I had a rocky start, but by the time he was a month old I knew every inch of him and could anticipate his needs even before he knew what he needed.
By the time he was a year old we were best friends to the point where I was almost selfish with my time with him. We would meet friends at the park and I would just take off with him while the other moms chatted with each other.
He was also such an early talker and at 15-16 months we could have full conversations. Together we would work on learning letters and numbers, and shapes and it was like we were in our own little world.
After my daughter was born and my husband and I came up for air I realized that not only did I not know my daughter, but that my relationship with my son had completely changed.
Gone were the private lunch dates and trips to the library that we loved so much. I was too tired and too overwhelmed at the thought of leaving the house.
My daughter was not a difficult baby in the least, my husband knew her like the back of his hand, but for me, I was totally lost. I could never read her cues and I found myself getting frustrated and resentful… But how could I resent a 4-month-old? What kind of mother has these feelings about their child? I knew I loved her so much it hurt, but I missed my old life with my son.
It wasn’t until I started sharing this feeling with other mothers, ones who I knew wouldn’t judge me, did I start to feel better. Then, around the time my daughter turned one things got really fun.
When my friend was struggling I told her that it was completely natural to feel a sense of loss when a new member comes into the family. I think as mothers we are prone to feeling guilty for that.
I gave her the usual advice of planning special dates with her older or asking him to help with the baby, but really what I told her was to hang on.
I told her that in about a year her heart will explode to a size she didn’t even know was possible. This happens, not because your relationship with your son will return to it’s pre-sibling state, but because watching your children love on each other is the best thing in the world.
You can sit back and enjoy their relationship because while he had all of you, she has all of him.
How did you adjust to your second child? How long did it take for you to feel confident as a mom of two. Hit me up on Facebook. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
