Nick and I took advantage of the long weekend and traveled to Lake Nacimiento for a short vacation. On our second morning, I got up early to watch the sunrise over the lake. I sat curled up on the couch hot tea and book in hand as the sky woke up.
When Aiden was in treatment I saw more sunrises and sunsets in those 104 days than I ever had in my whole life. In the evening, looking out the east-facing window of the fourth floor, I saw the buildings of downtown LA turn copper and silver and finally go dark.
Aiden often woke up before sunrise. In the morning, alone with him, I gathered my supplies on the rolling table; a few books and toys in case he wanted to play, a water bottle, a plastic bag in case he vomited again, a towel in case it landed on me, an ice pack if he had a fever, and the call button.
I put my slippers on and shuffled over to his bed with a blanket. I changed his diaper. I picked him up careful not to tangle the tubes and cords attached to monitors and the chemotherapy entering his body through his heart. We sat together, me in an uncomfortable chair, and he snuggled into the crook of my left arm. I turned on the TV prepared for another viewing of Moana and our room slowly filled with light.
I always made sure to open the window wide to let the sunlight in. Even though Aiden couldn’t be outside I wanted him to feel the rhythm of each day with the rise and fall of the sun.
The beauty painted across the sky at sunrise and sunset is nature’s way of calling humanity to pause. Twice a day she shows us her love and grace if we are present enough to see it.
Tomorrow is Aiden’s birthday. He should be three. I can picture him running around talking a mile a minute, getting into everything, and being doted on by us all. As time passes it will get harder to imagine what he would be like. As Owen and Peyton get older it will be harder to picture them together.
The day itself will be hard and beautiful, sad and joyful. I hope to watch the sunrise and sunset. I will cry and feel love and miss him terribly. I will be grateful I can be present for it all.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
