An Amends to My Body | One Woman's Road to Recovery

An Amends to my body | one woman’s road to recovery

On January 8, 2008, I made the most important decisions of my life. On the outside life looked pretty good. I was in love and had a steady job, but spiritually I was broken. I was wrecking my body and I was depressed. I worked in restaurants which meant long hours and even longer after hours. Destructive drinking was becoming more than a habit and it was clear to me it was affecting my relationships with the people I love. I was 28 years old and had hit rock bottom. I had to admit complete powerlessness to begin the process of recovery. I committed to cleaning up the wreckage of my past and repairing my relationships to others and to myself.

On a whim, and mostly because I need something to fill my time, I decided to run a marathon and I signed up for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon. I had never run more than 10 miles in my life. I trained for four months and during all that time alone in my head, I began to get some clarity on my life.

I ran my way out of the fog I was in

With my head above the clouds, I could see what my life could be like without alcohol. It looked pretty good. When I thought about my future I felt this wave of peace rush over me knowing that I wasn’t going to make a fool out of myself, or pick a fight with someone I love and I would never have to wake up hungover and apologizing again. I became less afraid of losing the good things in my life and more confident in letting go of the people and habits that were hurting me. I could finally look at myself in the mirror again.

A week before the race I felt this pain in the top of my left foot. It was a little swollen, but it only hurt when I ran so I thought if I just took the last week off before the race I would be ok. 7 miles in I could feel a popping in my foot and I knew it was broken. If I’m being totally honest I knew it was broken when it started hurting, I just didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to back out of the race. Now a normal person might have pulled up and sat down to rest, but not me. I didn’t train this long to give up now. Plus, I figured that at this point, when I’m in the middle of the 805 freeway in San Diego, the fastest way home is through the finish line. I finished in 4 and a half hours and I was overcome with emotion. It was like this 26.2-mile journey represented how far I had come in my recovery. Less than a year before I was a woman who didn’t know how not to drink and now I’m a woman who runs marathons.

Keep Coming Back

The first time I told this story in a meeting people burst out laughing and I didn’t get it until afterward someone came up to me and said, “Keep coming back.” I realized even in sobriety, I’m still an alcoholic. I still will do something, knowing the result won’t be good because I don’t know how to be any other way. Running a marathon on a broken foot doesn’t mean I’m more determined or dedicated, it just means I’m stubborn and sometimes I don’t know what’s good for me. Fortunately, running a marathon on a broken foot didn’t cause me to wreck my relationships with the people I love or to put my job in jeopardy because of bad choices, it did, however, land me in a walking boot for 9 weeks. I was working TWO serving jobs at the time, so that was interesting, I did get some pretty good sympathy tips though.

I guess the point I’m trying to make by telling you this long silly story is sometimes we need something to get us out of the dark hole we’re in so that we can see what we need to get us out of the dark hole we’re in. Running filled that role for me. I don’t regret for a minute finishing that race and if I had it to do all over again I would’ve made the same choice. That choice and all of the others I have made in my life, the good, the bad, and the really bad brought me to where I am today, and excuse my language, but I’m in a pretty fucking good place.

After the marathon, I began the process of making amends to the people in my life I had hurt while I was drinking. I distanced myself from the people that didn’t support my healthy changes. It was hard, and I was sad a lot of the time during that first year. It was a strange place to be in to miss parts of your old life so much, but to also know that by letting those things go you open yourself up to so many more possibilities. A few years later when I became a mother I had that same feeling again. I felt serenity and peace and for the first time in my life, I felt like I could rest.

You are not alone

If you are someone you love is struggling with addiction I want you to know that you are not alone in this world. That you don’t have to drink or use ever again if you don’t want to, or even if you do want to. I didn’t believe this when I first got sober, but I believe it now because it has been my experience. Find a meeting. Talk to someone who has been there and take it one day at a time.